I wasn’t meant for anybody else’s definition of motherhood, and maybe neither were you

An ode to Maternal Mental Health Awareness week from our founder:

I had my daughter in 2018. My pregnancy was full of almost non-stop morning sickness and my last-minute emergency C-section was a scary way to become a mother, but I adored Ayla instantly and was ready for the breastfeeding, the sleepless nights, and to be a comforting and nurturing presence without fail.

I did little to check in on ME, even though I was recovering from a traumatic pregnancy and surgery. It felt like it was time to put my helpless little love creature front-and-center and give her all the best foods, education, and support I could per the parenting books, doctors, friends, and family advice.

My adoration and resolve powered us through a year and a half of her life, until one day without warning, I lost almost all feeling in my body. I was so numb, that as the nurse jabbed me with a needle to test my blood and see what was going on, I couldn’t feel it at all.

After multiple tests, I learned that I had so much postpartum anxiety, that it had triggered a “nervous system reaction,” as they say, where essentially my body had said, “enough.” This lasted a whole terrifying year.

In a word, my recovery from this event was an exercise in re-embodiment. I began to slow down and ask myself what I really needed. I intuitively knew I needed a group of women to meditate, do yoga, and discuss deep yearnings with every week (thus, Pause + Purpose was born at my house in 2019), and I knew I needed to move my body in a safe way (I hooked up with Physioelements to do some trauma-informed physical therapy and pilates multiple times per week).

At one point I was meditating every 2 hours for 5 minutes. It was the only time I could free myself from the scary feelings in my body.

I can see now, 3 years later, that the blindness to my own wellbeing was being fueled by society and my upbringing. If all the attention is geared toward what the mother “should” do for the baby, it’s easy to forget that there is and should be a limit to what each individual CAN do for the baby. To compound this, I grew up seeing my own mother putting her children first, very often at the expense of herself. So martyrdom was normalized for me—and a fish in water has no idea what water is.

My daughter is now 4, and my modus operandi for motherhood, and everything else in my life, has completely changed. I no longer look to society, traditions, conventions, my upbringing, or anyone else’s opinion as my first line of answers. It starts with me now. This is all because of pausing… or as I like to call it… meditation(!!).

I no longer have the comfort of looking to someone else to know what to do. And guess what? That’s equal parts wonderful and terrifying. Remnants of my old decision-making patterns are still here, and it’s uncomfortable to tell the people in my life that they haven’t changed—I have—and it’s not working well for me like it used to. But I’m also charged up for it.

It’s led me wonderful places I never knew I would go this year, like getting a part-time apartment away from my family. It’s a place I can come and stay two days a week that is just mine. I can place anything anywhere and know that it won’t be moved. I can be quiet or loud any time I want. I can lay on the floor for hours staring at the ceiling. Every minute I spend there, I feel I’m healing myself and my female ancestors.

It’s also led me to re-examine my marriage. It’s made me realize that I need my love life to feel like a safe container for my self-growth and discovery in order to thrive. Now, my husband and I have successfully done-away with a lot of cultural marriage norms that just weren’t working for us. We feel truer to ourselves and happier as a couple. Meditation (connecting to self) makes the possibilities endless.

It’s recognizing that one state of being will never last forever. Mothers are just like everyone else: we’re people on lifelong journeys which sometimes conventions can’t support.

What would happen if you let your soul lead the way as a parent? This is a question I pose to myself every day, and one that I think is the essential, life-saving, question for any caregiver.

I truly believe that my own spiritual journey has inspired my daughter to be more grounded, which is exactly what I want to impart upon her more than anything. I see her growing into a confident, spiritual kid who loves herself and the world.

When I’m with her, most of the time I feel happy, fulfilled, and embodied. I have more energy to give her no longer running on empty. I don’t know if I’ve chosen the best preschool or am feeding her the right foods all the time. I just try my best now. But I can tell you that I’m giving her a wonderful education in just being herself by modeling what it looks like.

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All of our classes are great for prenatal and postpartum folks and we’re excited to now offer a Prenatal Flow class specifically for pregnancy taught by our pelvic health specialist, Franciska, Wednesday nights at 6pm.